Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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