I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
