So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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