So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
