I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
