I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
