I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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