We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
