YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
