There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Bring me that man meat
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
