It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
