There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
