good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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