This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
