My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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