Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
worst night to have a conscience
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
