I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
