My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
