how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
