I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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