everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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