So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
