i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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