fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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