i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
