Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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