Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
