Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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