now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
All the doctor said was why
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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