Buhtt sex?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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