i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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