mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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