So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
