uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
