I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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