i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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