Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
