my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
