I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
