did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
