Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I am midnight drunk by noon
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
