My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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