My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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