I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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