can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
