the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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