walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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