How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
