Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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