I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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