Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
