1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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