obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
BRING THE BAGELS
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
