my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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