And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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