Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
