Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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