i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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