I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
